It’s impossible to advise anybody
Be courageous, take it easy, just show trust
Be reasonable, be an old ghost weeping
You didn’t see me weeping on the floor

You didn’t see me weeping on the floor
My arm is torn open like a wound
My universe is coming from my mouth
I spent a year or two, listening to you
Discrediting myself for you

You didn’t see me on the floor weeping
You didn’t see me lying by the door
You didn’t see me swallowing my tablets
You can’t look inside my eyes no more

Weeping Weeping Weeping

We created cars to fight for space to be in
We created work to waste our time
We created love, so one can be the victim
We all need as a result, we all need love
But don’t know what to do with it
What’s the sense of a situation we can’t fight
It’s alright when you both want to fight
But when one of them doesn’t want to fight
It’s the end of love.

Just looking at first degree burns
I’m weeping (I can’t sing a song like this)
Weeping
You didn’t see me weeping on the floor
You didn’t see me lying on the floor
You didn’t see me weeping on the floor
Alone on the floor

I’m basically nothing like this
We’re all on the floor
I don’t want to carry on
Except I can’t even cease to exist
And that’s the worst

And swear in binary, “100110100101000110101010100″

When I’d get angry, I’d destroy whole cities.

And eat people.

I’d hang out with robocop.

And date a washing machine.

Yay. So anyway I was listening to Your Morning Coffee earlier today and they were talking about time traveling, somewhat. Like, if you could travel through time (specifically the past), what age would you want to go back to? Things like that.

I gave it some thought and finally concluded. If I could travel back to my childhood it would be to when I was about 3-5 years old. Kindergarten, happiest time of my life!

No politics, no worries, no work, all play. Knew nothing about anything, innocent as can be. Frequent travels to oversea countries with my family, dad especially. Just for a day, I’d like to relive those times.

Three Words: Mandelbrot Fractal Zoom. Its a math thing, probably better said to be a set of dynamic complexities. What they do to create this is basically, after figuring out the set of points, for every number in the set, they give a color. These colors (numbers) makes up the kaleidoscopic shapes that you see, when really they’re just repetitions of one particular shape. Cubes on cubes, triangles on triangles, the ordinary figures. Personally, I think they’re absolutely beautiful.

I think the fractal zoom is one of the best analogies to the human body… in fact, perhaps to the system of nature itself. It shows that there’s always room at the bottom and the system does not simplify at any given level. Of course, in the video the picture eventually turns pixelated but mathematically it stays complex. Plus, each level doesn’t ever copy the ones before it although they’re still somewhat similar to each other.

Credits for this wonderful analogy (from me) ultimately goes to the two who’s made it possible for us to analyze the patterns of nature in data: An infinity of thanks to Edward Lorenz and of course, Benoît Mandelbrot himself.

…What the heck, I’m just going to throw in one extra to go. Just to show you how much I love it. You’ll probably be reminded of certain movie scenes or video clips that use this very same theory in motion. What’s most interesting in this video, I think, is how the closer you zoom into nature, the vast regions of our very own atoms resemble that of outer space. Makes you realize (even more so) how the whole material universe is really just made up of empty spaces, among other things.

Orang-orang berkata kalo gw…
Humoris dan gampang diajak bicara. 

 
Kalo dapet 1 milyar gw pasti…
Invest-in trus sit back and watch as it doubles, triples. : )

Klo kejebak macet gw…
Membersihkan isi mobil atau karaokean bareng Pak Radio/Bu JVC.

Indonesia adalah negara yang…
Itu tuh.

Mantan gw…
Orang Korea yang kurker dan suka rada-rada.

Klo berada di depan kuburan M.J…
Ah, mati beneran ya? Masa sih? Eh, kenalan donk sama seleb-seleb lain yg ikutan hadir. Photo bareng gitu.

Hidup ini penuh dengan…
Segala-galanya. Diantaranya adalah kebahagiaan, kekecewaan dan misteri.

Tak ada tempat yang indah selain…
Di sisiNya.

 
Ke mana pun gw pergi, pasti bawa…
Tas berisi dompet, telepon genggam, kunci rumah, dan sebuah harapan.

Kalo divonis kanker…
Terima pasrah, berjuang untuk sembuh, rajin-rajin doa dan beramal & write a letter to the Make A Wish people.

Pagi-pagi enaknya makan…
Cereal! Roti! PANCAKES & WAFFLES!

Pekerjaan yang paling membosankan didunia adalah…
Tukang polish sepatu! Envelope sealer juga. Shudder.

Hal yang paling mengerikan adalah…
Neraka.

Bencana alam itu…
Suka ganas.

Waktu SMA gw dikenal sebagai…
Murid. Ga gitu inget lagi…

Saat yang paling tenang, saat…
Tidur nyenyak nyak nyak.

Paling males kalo ngelihat…
KECOAK MATI (ATO IDUP).

Kalo orang ciuman didepan gw…
Ya udah.

Gw pengen banget…
Jadi orang terhormat yang sukses dalam segala hal serta berpengaruh di dunia. Amin.

Hape gw bagus, tapi alangkah bagusnya lagi klo gw bisa beli…
Apa pun yang g mau.

 
Gw paling ga suka sama orang yang…
Ga mampu ngurus diri sendiri tapi kerjaannya bikin anak mulu. Dunia udah kelebihan populasi oi! Sadar diri donk. Nyusahin aja. Keki keki keki!

Tekad gw yang udah bulat…
Am adopting. So not having kids. World is overpopulated as it is plus more and more children are orphaned everyday. They need parents.

Pria dengan jeans robek”, baju hitam gambar tengkorak, ngerokok, nongkrong depan circle-K, dalem pkiran gw…
Jimmy?

Orang yang sok imut dan sok childish…
Suka-sukamu saja toh ga ada hubungannya sama g.

Lagi jalan, ada yang lewat pake motor bilang “fuck you”…
Ga penting.

Mama papa bilang kapan nikah?
Kalau sudah siap.

Afgan dateng kerumah…
Ga kenal.

Kalo tengah malem ditelepon pacar…
Angkat angkat. Kalong bareng.

Kalo besok kiamat…
Pray, pray, pray and repent. May God have mercy on me.

Today’s thoughts include the system design of complex infrastructures and its flaws. Stuff like banking, hypermarkets, etc.

First off, banks. Good system design acknowledged, to have a place where you store all the money. Keeps things organized, lots of advantages. Banks have been around for a pretty long time. But like every design, designers are consistently looking to see to it that their designs improve over time. And true to their nature, banks have evolved into ATMs. A very efficient, well thought out system designed but with one major flaw: security!

See, if I were a criminal, I’d probably hang around at an ATM. Everyone who comes out of it definitely has cash with them. Its like, a criminal’s dream. Just stay out of the security camera and you’ll be fine. (Well, maybe not that simple.) But of course, banks have been around for a long time and not a lot of robbers walk away free…

Still, I think ATMs are like a haven for pickpockets, especially here in Jakarta, where you can always tell apart the people who carry a lot of money from the ones who don’t. Then again, its a pretty safe city here (if you think about it) so am less worried. Now if I was in Rome, Miami, or Washington D.C, I’d probably have a tighter grip on my wallet.

Moving on…

I think an airport has a very good system. Efficient, organized, complex but not as flawed as malls or of the sort but the thing is, you have to have airplanes. Now the airplane is a very complex system in itself.

I’m sure you guys have heard about the Concord? It was the fastest commercial jet ever. Sure. But there was that problem: in order to make the jet go really fast they had to make it really narrow. It also had this weird nose thing that went up and down. Meh. What’s the use of having a really fast plane if you can’t even ride on it?

Like everything else, there are major advantages but also major problems when it comes to complex systems. Good thing is, today’s modern design involves the public in every decision making process. It wasn’t always that way, you know.

Here in Indonesia that kind of thinking only started ever since we got democratic. Now we got to make sure that the public wants your malls, your banks, your airports. They have to participate. Its just logical thinking. Ignore the public and your infrastructures will become a ghost town.

A perfect example which you can find of that here in Jakarta would probably be Taman Ria. It was built on good grounds, probably by some rich people who unfortunately failed to ask the public if it was what they wanted. And as a result, Taman Ria’s short lived glory slowly crumbled. To this date, TGI Friday’s and this other cafe/restaurant are probably the last two tenants left. Sucks.

Anyway that’s it for this post. Currently too lost in my own thoughts to write them out properly so let me just leave you with a good question. To all the creative minds out there! “How do you think will our ever changing technology affect the creative design process?”

True to the title, this is just another intake on my present life.

Family crisis only grows older.

And while I can’t seem to get enough of my boyfriend…

Work, on the other hand, is a little boring.

So anyway since lately my life has been all about him, I’d like to dedicate this to my one and only.

“Have never had anyone shown me all the things you did. The special way I feel when you hold me… And so much more. We’ll always be together, that’s what I’d like to believe.

And every time, every day, I think about you… When you ride, when you call.  And every time you’re away I can’t wait ’til I see you again.

And whenever we’re apart, I hope you don’t you forget that I’m yours.

Since I met you my life seems so much better.”

Bryant.

Yeah okay it’s cheesy, but who cares.

It’s really made me think: how this past year I’ve been in love with someone new. How great it’s been. And most importantly, how deeply in love I am again even after all the, ‘I thought I never could,’ drama. All I know is that, right now, it feels like I’ve never felt happier. You know, when everything in your life turns for the better, like the rise of dawn after a long weary night. Its that after effect, when you’ve spent days in the dark and you finally see light… that indescribable feeling.

I’m just saying, if anyone is thinking on giving up on love, think twice. ‘Cause whatever is worth trying is worth getting, and love, I assure you, is worth every drop of tear and heartache. Especially the kind that I have now. So not overrated. ’Nuff said.

Oh, there’s one more thing. I know that my previous entries were about the past, getting hurt, the pain and betrayal, blah blah. So you might be wondering why I posted them when initially this is what I’ve been feeling all along. The reason is pretty simple, really. No one wants to read about the happiness of others. People thirst for the darker side of the story.

Unless of course we’re talking about the happiness of dead people, at which point everything that’s written would seem bittersweet instead of. Just. Sweet. I bet it would bore the lot of you to no end if I kept talking on and on about happy, so thus. Take the previous posts as me trying to entertain by grabbing bits and pieces from the Internet and copying them here to share with you. While this is what’s really going on in what’s what.

Hope you can all be happy for me.

Hi… Bye.

Jobs are obligatory, work is fun.

Hobbies are productive, play is overrated.

Talking is cheap if not free, acting takes time.

And while time is money, sometimes wait is too.

The promising ones aren’t always the ones that grow tall.

Slightly green and red with a mixture of white and blue.

Without strong foundation even friendship crumbles.

Everybody talks but no one really listens.

Love songs exist to make you cry.

Finally seeing what I refused to see.

A little tired of everything but feeling fine in general.

A dash of neurotic and melancholy with butterflies and rainbows on the side.

Healing is actually a lot easier than I thought, with the right medicine that is.

Two fists of solid rock and brains that could explain any feeling, anyone?

This is actually more tiring that writing out a flow of sentences that make up one main point. Still loads to share, just not enough willpower to do so now. Will update soon, hopefully.

But the thing that has been on my mind the most lately is all the betrayals… and everything else that comes after. Sucks that it eats you up inside. Whether you want it to or not. Like, I thought I got over everything that’s happened and learnt to let go, but next thing you know, BAM! It hit me. I haven’t moved an inch. Not since four years ago. Wait, make that five.

Put it this way.

You go by your days, thinking what’s past is past. Sooner or later you’re able to start visualizing the future: moving on, letting go, forgiving and forgetting. But when you look back, you can see that the shadows still haunt you.

Your wound is still fresh, or at least unhealed. You lick them daily and diligently put plasters over it. You’d think the wound would go away eventually but it stays. Manifesting a frightening hold, deep underneath the skin. It gets to you. And when you’re finally willing to admit it, you realize that it will leave a scar.

And then you start building a wall around that wounded part of you. Because you know that the slightest scratch could just as easily reopen them. It’ll never heal, but you’re determined to never let it bleed again. You’re never the same since, though ironically, after all is said and done, you’d continue on with your life as if nothing’s changed…

Consciously or unconsciously hurting those who try to tear that wall down along the way.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learnt, its that there will always be betrayals in any relationship. Big or small. Inevitable. So, I guess you just have to start letting go.

 
Love You More

Clouds above go sailing by
I found my meaning in this life
Clear white is flying in my eyes
Underneath a blue, blue sky
The waves come rolling in with the tide
I’ve been away too long
And everyday I missed you more.
You look like you did before
only prettier.
Everyday I love you more.

All the people rushing by, bye, bye
Looking for meaning in this life
So used up and blinded by lies,
They’re underneath the blue, blue sky
The way they seldom seem to smile
I don’t know why.

‘Cause I’ve been away too long
And everyday I missed you more.
You look like you did before,
only prettier.

Everyday I love you more.
I love you more,
Everday I love you more,
and more.

Cause I’ve been away too long
and everyday I missed you more.
You look like you did before,
only prettier.

And everyday I missed you more,
And more and more and more and more
I’ve been away too long
And everyday I missed you more
Oh, you look like you did before
only prettier
Everyday I love you more.

I love you more.
Everyday I love you more. 

On a completely random note, apparently Facebook says I’m only 8% normal. Ha. Who would’ve known? Always felt like I fit right in.